BMW Dynamic Drive Experience
WORDS Niky Tamayo  | 7 March 2008

Photos by Ken Tamayo For more details and bigger pictures, head on over to the FORUM discussion on the BMW experience “Now this is what we call the 'Coffee Lap'...” says Herbert Grünsteidl, our taxi-driver for the day, as we pull away from the curb. The sleek sedan slices silently through the drizzle as we slowly go down the road. “Pretend that you are going to the grocery store with your wife...”, Herbert goes on, as he changes up a gear. “See, it's very smooth, very comfortable, very quiet...” Well, there's an odd thunk on that gear-change, like a ball-peen hammer tapping gently against the back of your chair. Except for that, this big BMW is the epitome of luxury. We round a few corners at a leisurely pace, coming at last to the curb we'd started at. The funny little German (little in Germany means taller than me by only a few inches) reaches down and fiddles with a few buttons on the steering wheel and shifter console.... “Say you drop off your wife, and you want to have some fun... you press the 'M' button, now it will make all 507 horsepower... the dampers will be stiffer... now it will shift in 0.8 seconds, and...” Uhhhmm... the 'M' button? The rest of Mr. Grünsteidl's speech is lost as the M5 lunges forward. The screeching cacophany of that gigantic V10 engine signals the release of all 507 ponies (shameless marketing gimmick... the BMW 507 was an iconic sportscar of the roaring fifties) up from the measly 400 it was making a few minutes ago. Though it's a good kick in the pants, it's a bit lacking in torque. But as Herbert holds the pedal down, that boot goes deeper and deeper up your backside. And that five liter lump goes further and deeper into the rev range than you'd think possible on such a large engine. Hell's Bells, when's it going to stop?!? The answer comes as Thor's hammer comes crashing into my spine as Herr Grünsteidl engages second gear with the flip of a paddle, and the M5 rockets forward yet again. We're already well over the speed limit, up from near walking pace, and there's a 90-degree right turn coming up fast... very fast. Herbert taps the brakes, lets off the gas, flicks the car left, then right, and tromps on the gas again. Anyone with a sufficient understanding of automotive physics knows what's coming next. For those who don't, this is the 'Scandinavian flick'. Developed by Norwegian drivers as a way to flick snot out the window without taking their hands off the wheel, it has since become the staple of rally drivers across the world. I brace myself... and two tons of silver sedan slides sideways across four lanes of road, with one perversely relaxed German at the wheel, three motoring hacks pasted against the side windows, grinning like idiots, and four tires smoking to high heavens. Welcome to the BMW Dynamic Drive Experience. BMW has invited us here to learn what 'BMW' means. And, as Lito German, BMW Philippines' Corporate Communications and Marketing Director, explains: the question is always what would 'it' be like if 'it' were a BMW? All BMWs have to exhibit 'Sheer Driving Pleasure'. If it's not fun to drive, it's not a BMW. This is why all BMW prototypes do their rounds at the famed Nürburgring racetrack, the "Green Hell", 20 kilometers of rugged twisting mountain road that's so dangerous, it was struck from the F1 calendar decades ago. To prove their point, BMW gave us an entire day to thrash various Bimmers through acceleration, braking and slalom exercises. The 3- and 5-series cars are razor sharp in the slaloms, and the X5's muscle-car-like demeanor is a revelation. More impressive still is the go-kart-like new 120d... yes, 'd' as in diesel... it's still a cramped, plasticky little car, but that motor is so much better than the older petrol lumps in low speed traffic that it makes the 1-series feel like a whole new animal. And its ability to sustain a smoking burnout with the traction control switched off was vastly entertaining. But none of this is as impressive as the taxi-ride that comes after. Herbert Grünsteidl is a 64 year-old professional ex-rally driver, so he knows what he's doing... or at least I hope he does. Because right now, we're flying sideways twice as fast as I feel comfortable cornering... errh... not sideways. The BMW slides four lanes out, straightens out momentarily, then jerks the wrong way. He's overcooked it! We're gonna die! No, wait... that fishtailing is a Scandinavian flick for the next corner, nearly fifty meters away! I'm impressed and terrified at the same time, as the inside curb comes at us at over 100 km/h. Somehow, the M5 miraculously slots sideways into a two-lane road no wider than the big sedan is long. And Herbert does a U-turn and does it all again, going the other way. Man, I thought I'd known what drifting was like, I mean, I've driven sideways quite a few times, and not always on purpose, but I've never had a car shuck me out of my seat and try to squeeze me through the side window. Herbert had reportedly been taking it easy after some BMW people had cracked their heads against the windows, but when he realized that some of us motoring journalists were already out of our skulls, he just let loose, the M5's nose just inches from the concrete curb on corner entry and the tail brushing the grass on corner exit... It was almost a relief to get out of the car... but damn, I still wanted to go for a third round! Alas, there were more passengers waiting in line for their turn, and I feared sneaking another ride might earn me the murderous ire of all assembled. Herbert and the M5 went drifting all day. And as the road dried out, he got further and further sideways. He also gave us a ride in an M3, which looked like an Iron Maiden sitting beside the sleek and understated M5. Where the M5 is dressed in subtle jewelry, the M3 is a gorilla in a business suit, the vented and deformed hood, straked body-kit, exposed carbon-fiber and asphalt scraping stance transforming the already sexy 3-series coupe (with which it shares just one or two measly body panels) into something else entirely. Where the M5 looks like a luxury cruiser on the inside, the M3 is tight and cozy, with no brightwork to distract you from the business of driving. And the M3 is all about driving. The suspension is stiff and chattery, and the manual gearbox feels even more violent than the M5's, if that can be believed. The M3's 420 horsepower V8 is down two cylinders, nearly a hundred horses and a bucketload of torque from the M5's V10, but it's just as manic. And compared to the M5's buzzy Formula One wail, it sounds like pure sex. It's a growling, popping sound that I doubt I would ever grow tired of. Anyone who still pines for the motorbike ripsaw of the old M3's straight-six engine doesn't know what they're missing. This one's a million times better. Unfortunately, this new M3 is just a bit too hardcore. The race-tuned suspension and tires keep it glued to the road. Grünsteidl is pushing the M3 twice as hard as with the M5, just to get it unstuck. And when the slide finally comes, the ultra-sticky rear tires literally claw at the road to regain their footing. It's like trying to shake a cat off a screen door... it's not easy, and it's not pretty. It would take an actual racetrack to get the M3 well and truly sideways... preferably a very wide racetrack. Even if the M3 isn't the perfect drift machine, I'm utterly smitten. It's got just enough power to kill you, and just enough handling prowess to enable you to pick exactly when and where that happens. When I win the Lotto, this thing is on my shopping list, right after a German chalet and a free year-round pass at the Nürburgring. With the company's entry into the SUV market in recent years, you kind of wonder if they've sold out. But, as Lito says, BMW doesn't make vans. Why? Because they can't make them look or drive like Bimmers. Whereas the X5 and X3 do. It may compromise them as SUVs, (in fact, BMW calls them SAVs... Sport Activity Vehicles) but BMW is simply unwilling to compromise them as BMWs. Which is why BMW's first foray into the SUV market was by proxy, with Land Rover. But once BMW figured out how to make them handle, they used their experience with Land Rover to build the X5. So confident was BMW of its ability that they lapped a special X5 with a 750 hp V12 motor around the Nürburgring in just 7 minutes and 50 seconds. That's a time that shames many modern sports cars and even a few so-called supercars. Maybe it's hype, but I'm starting to believe. I'm ready to further my indoctrination into the Church of BMW, hopefully with a week-long apprenticeship in the M3. Yeah, right. I'd have about as much of a chance of winning the Lotto, but a guy can dream, right? Thanks to Leanna Farrales for the invites, to Lito German for the great program and terrific food, and, most of all, Herbert Grünsteidl for scaring our socks off and showing us a rollicking good time.

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